I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Randomize
