dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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