this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
