I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
