Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
