my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Hippo gnu deer
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
