careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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