i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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