i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
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You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
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You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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