I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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