Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
