what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
