the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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