This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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