he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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