a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
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I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
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Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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