My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
