my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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