I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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