3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
