I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
