she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
