Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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