Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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