Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
