i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
