I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I will pee on everything he values.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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