Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
