allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
