I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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