this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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