this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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