I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
