I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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