Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
