Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
