can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Ketchup is God's man juice
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
