please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
