I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
