So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
