I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
this just has baby written all over it
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
