I will die if light touches me.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
