if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Randomize
