who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
