come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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