the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
wanna go halves on a baby?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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