yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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