I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
