It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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