I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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