Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
