i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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