I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
