My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
