Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
