I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
