he told me I talked like a deaf person
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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